Yesterday I was talking to one of my Morehouse brothers and we agreed on one thing- marriage is hard.
I’m divorced now so I’m going to keep it real- marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It would take a man somewhere between Idris Elba and black Jesus for me to ever go down that road again.
I’m not kidding.
You know when I realized marriage was hard? It was our first year of marriage and I was at the doctor, sobbing. I never cried so hard in my life.
I remember crying and the only thing I could say between me being all choked up and doing the ugly cry was “Doc, my vagina is broken”.
I didn’t know how else to explain it. I was a new wife and all of a sudden, I lost all of my sexual drive. I couldn’t do it anymore. It was like I said “I do” and poof, I was drier than the Sahara Desert.
I begged him. I was like “Doc, men have Viagra. What do women have? I need pills, lots of pills.”
And the doctor laughed.
“This is normal” he said.
“Da f*ck?” was what I said in my head but out loud, I was like “Que?”
“How long have you been married?” he asked.
It hadn’t been a year. I’m talking 6 months, tops. Maybe 4.
“Nothing is wrong with you. Plenty of married people go through this. It will come back to you.” He said.
I looked at my OBGYN. My OBGYN looked at me. It was awkward.
“So, no pills?” I asked. Dead serious.
“No” he said. And he was dead ass.
So back to my original point. Marriage is hard.
I stayed faithful through five years of marriage and it wasn’t easy. I thought about cheating all the time but I told both my husband and God I knew the difference between right and wrong and would choose to do right.
My fidelity wasn’t natural. It was an intentional choice that I was mindful of every second of every day, especially those days we didn’t see eye to eye.
Remember all that great sex you had when you were single? Married sex isn’t as carefree. It’s attached to a lot of responsibility.
It’s important to attach yourself to a mate who can handle that responsibility.
I wish I could tell my 18 year old self that my 28 year old self would be turned on by responsibility, communication, and bouquets of soft tacos. I don’t care what my doctor said, nothing about what I experienced was normal. Common, but not normal.
My advice is this.
Rings, weddings and babies are secondary to love. Find a partner that you are compatible with and can grow with. If you don’t, you will be at both your OBGYN and your marriage counselor feeling crazy.