It has been a while since I’ve sat down to write. So much life has happened, so many surprise turns and twists. I remember writing about the Power of Words. But I never could have expected the Universe to respond in this way. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. What I didn’t know is babies come in their own time. Nonetheless here I stand, half way into my Year Without Fear, expecting a baby girl. If that ain’t a testimony, I don’t know what is!
Yesterday, I made 20 weeks pregnant.
That’s the halfway mark (for those not hip to the ins and outs of pregnancy life). While the first half was a breeze physically, the emotional journey was completely different. I spent so much time questioning. Why me? Why now? I spent so much time worrying. What will people think? How can I afford this? I spent so much time mourning. Mourning relationships failed. Mourning for so many things left undone. I spent so much time falling into old habits of self-doubt and trying to appease others. I felt such guilt because at the end of the day, I asked for her, and, although it didn’t come packaged how I wanted, here is my shot. My opportunity to have my life forever changed for the better, and I was wasting it. In the midst of this emotional world wind, there was and is a question constantly looming, “what example do you want to set for her?” What kind of parent do I want to be?
This little life, so innocent and deserving of all this world has to offer. For reasons I don’t understand now, she entrusted flawed me, to be her mommy. What a gift! Now is her time and mine to relish in the joys of her amazing creation and growth. Now is our moment to bask in the beauty of this crazy ride called motherhood. So, as a spin on one of my favorite post Squad Goals, I am spending the second half of pregnancy focusing on Mommy Goals.
Goal #1: Lead with Love
In reflecting on all the mommy models that have come before me, love is always at the core. At the beginning of trust, discipline, or growth is love. Everyday, every decision, every word will be led in love. In our days together, love will be our legacy.
Goal #2: Be and Show
Motherhood, while still very new to me, is growing me in ways I’ve needed to grow a long time ago. It’s changing my decisions, my actions, all for the better. In thinking about the woman I want her to become, I have to be that woman. I have to show her beauty, empowerment, love, and forgiveness. The way to be the best parent is to be the best person.
Goal #3: Mistakes Happen
Learning is messy. I won’t be perfect, nor should I be, this is my first time! But more important than every decision being the “right one”, is the commitment to try and try again. When mistakes happen, and they will, I will share openly, apologize freely, and move forward. I will openly share my story, so that she sees how imperfections are a necessary part of the journey.
Goal #4: I am Her Guide, not Her Guard
Everyday I commit to always remembering that she is her own person. While I will always hold and cherish our moments, I won’t hinder her from exploring this great world. Such an important part of ensuring that she has a full life is helping her believe in herself. I will offer her my world, but more importantly I will listen to her desires. I will value her voice, keeping in mind that part of parenting is empowering her to show her gifts and be the person she chooses.
As I type these words, tears welling in my eyes, I am so amazed by this little life. Still in the womb, she is shifting my life and the lives of others. I look forward to meeting her, and feel so very blessed that she chose me. While I don’t have all the answers, and will surely not get it all right, she will always get my best. I don’t know that I am fully prepared for the love I will feel for her, but I look forward to sharing in her journey. The best is yet to come! See you in 20 weeks, sweet baby girl!
Love Without Fear,
Any words of wisdom for a new mommy? I would love to hear your thoughts!